A.C. RANTED : Pete Carroll with a Grain of Salt

Images by: Gerry Dailey - Petezooka Joe

Ok friends and haters alike, I promised you some words about Pete Carroll and his insatiable gum lust sided with his almost maniacal manner in which he treats said chewy oral fixation like a cardboard bailer in the back room of Wegmans.

 

Let me preface this by stating, that, although I am a published writer and talented wordsmith, I am in NO WAY qualified to determine the outcome of a game, in any sport. Were that the case, I would be loaded on cash, so until then, Vodka it is.

 

It’s my opinion as I see it so take it with a grain of salt, and if you’re in Auburn, NY, garlic salt. Apparently that garlic salt company had a reserve that Auburn will be dumping on the streets again this winter, so I hope you like the smell of Italian, I do.

 

Pete Carroll:

 

Without looking at your athletic bio, I would venture a guess that you never played a down on a football field in your life after Midgets or Pee-Wees. Ok, I just checked Wikepedia. It turns out you were quite impressive as a collegiate athlete despite your hollow bones. Then again, it WAS Wikepedia and we can change the content there, but I digress, and I added to Wikepedia that you have hollow bones haha!!!

 

Anyway, look man, you are a dirty coach. If you were a stripper, you’d be the “skank” at the club.

 

Why?

 

Let’s talk about USC for a minute.

 

You did so many things wrong there and Reggie Bush lost his Heisman as a direct result of you and your antics, so don’t pretend you were all about “Faculty and Football and Graduation” because you left as soon as you had a job offer. Lane Kiffin sucked too, but everybody knew that. Let me give you, Pete Carroll, 10 analogies of what you chewing gum reminds me of or looks like, and random questions:

 

 

10. Have any of you seen a camel in real life? THAT!

 

9. You and Paul Walker went to a club one night, but you chew gum so fast and furious, he got a ridehome. Now he’s gone.

 

8. You “num num num” so hard it makes me think you are powering the cameras on the sidelines like a hamster in a wheel.

 

7. You’re not a big statured man, so proportionate to your size, that wad of gum must weigh as much as a bowling ball.

 

6. I’ve chewed gum, who hasn’t. Watching your mandibles work out whilst mid chomp makes me wonder why your jaw is not the size of that guy’s jaw from Tango & Cash.

 

5. If the gum came out of your mouth as your teeth went to work on the stretchy gooey goodness that is called gum, would your teeth grind down in your mouth or is protocol for you to find the nearest rubber tree?

 

4. Do you have a rubber tree? That would help a lot for number 5.

 

3. Are you interested in a rubber tree?

 

2. Without ever standing in front of you, I bet you get down on that gum so hard you get that foamy stuff in the corner of your mouth when you speak. People are afraid to point that out, but I’m not. It’s disgusting and I don’t want to see a corner lip cesspool mid conversation, so wipe your face you inconsiderate scumbag, it’s gross. Seriously.

 

1. What flavor is that gum you systematically hammer down on with the force of a shark and the speed of a sewing machine? If you could swim and design a flag, you should go right now to a tattoo parlor and get ink of Betsy Ross riding Jaws.

 

There you go folks. Love it or hate it, that’s what I think.

 

Till Next Time...

 

A.C.


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